Jacyl m3owZz’s Neighborhood

i've been feeling very down, then pissed with myself, then depressed and of course, no mood to work. wonders if this is a 'weekday syndrome'? SIGHS anw..

im sorry to make this blog so depressed because this seems to be the only(easiest) way for me to organise and vent my thoughts. and because of resorting to these kinds of temporary means, things arent getting better.

i cant talk deeply with anyone i guess.. because there isnt going to be a solution from it either. it is just me, being depressed on my own and only i can get myself out but somehow, when i thought i was climbing out, my foot slipped then i went in again.

so SIGHs.. and yesterday, i had alot of images in my mind. deja vu images that appeared in my dreams before.. but somehow the outcome were not the same. because i changed them? somehow i've trained myself to be so strong that i've built this invisible shield w additional advisor who's always beside to advice me. like, "that person doesnt like you", or "see, they look at you differently" etc.. SIGHs.

weili is sighing.. only by getting up on my feet and exerting some real efforts will i be able to transform this painful feelings within. i dont need any pity or 'compassion'. i just want to be essential at least, not to the extent of indispensible. and in return for someone to think that im reliable as well..

i dunno whats the problem. but i will continue.. this will become my fertilisers huh?

i guess..  there can never be someone, or maybe very little people, in this world who will fall in love with someone by their live chat nick and avatar.

of cuz not just that, it was the communication BEFORE that i had the wrong idea. yes i had the wrong idea cuz its a one-sided love! T___T

i also dunno what happened that we stopped talking like normal. everything was abnormal. talking was difficult. i tried but i guess he doesnt want to respond so lets keep it that way. let life go on like nothing happen.

it is so difficult to try to forget this feeling. maybe, maybe.. i shall stop trying to forget(i am!)_ and then keep this feeling deep inside so nobody will know. i will continue to pray for his happiness. yes i will. and continue to keep this sweet feeling and fond memories inside me.

i know i hasnt been chanting enough 1 hour daimoku to understand myself. and over these few days i have been pondering and reflecting. i know i am not doing enough. so before i ask teacher a question, i must first know what i dun understand about right? :D

and oh, looking at the way i am ignored.. im kinda pretty annoyed. anyway, this is not a shoujo manga and dont think too much oh. DUN THINK TOO MUCH!!

the concert was over yesterday. it (seemed)ended a victory. but not my personal feelings though. somehow i still feel sad. and LLC. sigh. i know i shldnt be. but is it because im in this state thus everyone was able to achieve this victory? if it is, then i would gladly stay like this. if it meant everyone could breakthru.

i am still feeling sad. because ther was no outlet of any kind of me to release my feelings. i've been suppressing. although i said give up, but why do i still feel so sad? although i know its not possible, why do i still think of it coming true someday in the future? this is so self-deceiving.

i cant put my feelings into words. i dunno how, maybe i dun want to. when i read meows' blog, it brings me to where i was in the past. felt like what i'd have said. but now, i feel that im not part of this at all. not at all when i feel so depressed. :(

when i see their similar feelings and 'LC', somehow i feel a strange feeling within. haha. i am so not myself. mus have been possessed by a mushi. everyone wished to be saved by another, but i am taught that only one can save himself. i am such an unworthy disciple of sensei. Of cuz it is alright to live like this if i am not part of the organisation nor practicing this Buddhism but since i am, it means that i cannot do anything that let myself, people around me, the organisation, and most imptly, my mentor down. what should i do?

if you ask me what happen, even i cannot answer you. because i also dunno why i am feeling like this or if there was any particular event that caused me to be like this. there isnt. because there isnt, i dunno how to answer you. if i were to suffer some illness right now, i'd probably sit and wait for death to come. quite depressing.. sobs.

i feel so useless. haha. and probably nobody will even know because im good at acting. heh. (yup this is the devil speaking..) i've probably been devoured by it.

and probably after typing all these, i still feel suppressed but i cannot say it out. i've no courage. ya thats probably the true me, so cowardly and lousy. looking at the me, how can i be a chapter leader to guide others? haha.. i could've jus tell them that i have no potential. give up on me. yay~ its scary.. how weird i can be. how negative my mind is.

if someone stumbled upon this post, jus ignore. im jus venting some of my inner thoughts. nothing said can pull me up, because u dunno what happen and what kind of person i am. XD

haha.. maybe its what as i guessed. i was quite affected by it, for some unknown reason even to me.

"give up" was what i told myself. i took the courage, devised a so-called clever prayer and seriously chanted about it. no doubt about it, i really felt that i was about to let go..or already has, at least not hung on so desperately.

maybe its a women's 6th sense?(even though i doubt that i have it)

hahahaha.. i feel so dumb. dumb because i've always been lying to myself.

and when i see 'evidence' of it, no matter what kind of truth i have been trying to convince myself with, its no use. i know it. so why dont things jus happen clearcut and obviously so that i can totally give up? why make me hang there? why cant i stop thinking about it and then feeling so miserable?

even though it all a situation i conjured in my mind, please, now let it go away. I'll let it go and live a new life of my own.

it hurts. even though i wish it hadnt. now i know what it feels like. those dramatic scenes from dramas and manga. but unfortunately im not the lead. i'll instead live another drama, all by myself.

好累啊。。我知道我的工作上待遇已经很好。。 那，为什么会那么累？

 

 

觉得好像越来越不会表达自己心里的感受了。。

 

 

有时为了顺从别人牺牲自己的主见，

有时不想让周围的人感到困扰，

有时更不想让自己变成焦点。

 

 

总之，现在我有点分不清什么是对，什么是错了。。

 

 

什么时候该为别人付出，什么时候为了不让别人感到厌烦而该做决定呢？

 

 

是该做的事情越来越多，

 

 

不过，比较像是自己的能力减退了。。（同时记忆力也衰退了。。）

 

 

 

好想把时间停止，就躺在床上好好的睡一觉。。

 

 

不然，坐在一角听着永远听不完的好音乐也不错。。

 

 

再想下去可能会让我的境崖越拉越低。还有很多事要做所以只能幻想。

 

 

可能有这些想法的人也蹁布在世界各地只是对我而言，我很想赶快踏出这个迷惑的感觉。心情很糟，吃多少巧克力也没用。读多少鼓励也没用。听别人试图鼓励我，只会雪上加霜。因为现在的心情是复杂的。没有“因为 。。。所以咯” 只有“可能是 。。。 加上 。。。 还有最近。。。也可能是几年前。。”

 

 

最近心里很空虚。 对啦，是感情事。而烦的原因是：只有我一个人烦，不知道为什么烦，到底答案在哪？那一类的。

 

 

觉得没谈过恋爱的人比我幸运。经过风风雨雨的人比我幸运。有美满家庭的人比我幸运。自己搬出来住的人比我幸运。

 

 

总之，现在我的人生好像被绳子悬吊在半空中。Neither left nor right, neither up nor down.

 

 

IM SO LOST!

 

 

让我有些刺激一点的事吧。或许如果我只能活到明天，我会勇敢与积极的去做莫些事。

 

 

 

就。。。说到这。

Yes, I will not be updating here anymore!

I have shifted to www.chocolateinchiffon.com officially!

I am a procrastinator. Which explains the delay in the uploading of my Taiwan trip pictures. Hur-hur.

 

 

 

 

 

 

been so emo recently..

 

isit due to PMS? or puberty? or hormone growth? XD..

 

 

wadever..

 

but i think i've been too self-centered.. so much so that i've mislook the "大局" and am only concerned with my own feelings and interests. SIGHzz..

 

 

even if what im thinkin cant be fulfilled, so what? i have been only thinkin about my concerns.. but all of these wont affect others but only make myself suffer. for what? the devil has been pretty good in doing that to me these while.

 

 

really.. once broken considered sold. i wonder how am i going to pick up from here... GAMBATTE!!

 

 

p.s: im typing here so my kids wont see. haha..

1) Good hair day - Who doesn't love that?

2) Spotless face - 'Nuff said.

3) Bright, sunny, breezy days - Don't you just love the feeling of being umbrella-less?

4) The smell of rain at night - Yes, we can all sleep like babies.

5) Strawberry Shortcake - Pink, strawberries, pink, strawberries, pink, strawberries, pink, strawberries.

6) Smelly Tinkerbell Pillow - We all have weird habits, don't we?

7) Korean Mixed Rice - Food, food, food.

8) Notebooks/Diaries/Planners - Wish there was a secret diary?

9) Full Makeup - One word. Confident.

10) Ivory Roses - Girl's best friend. That is, after the diamond.

What are yours??

I wanna eat KFC's Zinger Burger, McDonalds' Seaweed Shaker Fries, Shilin's Fried Chicken Cutlet and Yishun 409's Roti Prata.

I am surviving on a liquidify diet.