Dearest Weili,
I've actually wanted to update after my trip from JB, but was sick since the day I reach JB. Till now, I'm still recuperating.
It's really so sad and demoralizing to be sick, when you can't do anything, and everyone else have to hold you to support you.. And when u puke, cough like hell, no one can help you..
The worse thing is, you spread the virus to the person who gave you the care when you are sick... I was so sad, when I heard my mom vomit last night.. It's all my fault.. Luckily she's ok now, or I'll never be able to forgive myself.
Just took a blood test, and the doctor say the report shows nothing wrong. My doctor asked me to do a blood test due to me having fever for over a week. But I was ill not for a week, but for nearly 3 weeks...
I had a little sore throat on Friday night (30 Nov 07), when we FD were preparing for our overseas exchange with SGM FD. Prior to that, all parts of me was perfectly fine. I ended up sleeping at SCC for that night under air-con and in very thin sleeping bags, and waking up on Saturday moning with slight fever. I was given 2 panadols, and felt ok to prceed with the trip. And by 10am, we reached SGM-Johor's Kempas Kaikan.
My condition got worse, and after a song presentation of 春夏秋冬. I lost my voice. Totally cannot talk.
Oh Dear! I'm here for an exchange. What can I do, now that I'm dumb?
And later that Saturday, my fever relasped. And many thanks to the SGM organisers and my seniors, I was properly taken care of, with porridge specially bought for me, and more..
By Sunday morning, I was feeling good enough for our visit to SGM Honbu Youth meetings (equivalent to our Zone Youth meetings). And I was the photographer for our Honbu. You can see the photos and videos in this blog..
By Sunday evening, I finally reached Singapore safe and sound, except with a lost voice. I went to see the doctor, and my voice was recovering, very slowly...
Through these recovery days, I gave a lot of thoughts.. This is the 3rd time that I've suffered from a throat inflamation in my near 24 years. And all 3 times happened in this year. Is this an indication that I shouldn't continue singing anymore, or is this a sansho shima, obstructing me from singing for kosenrufu? I'm confused.. And sad on the lost of my favourite voice..
I was recovering quite ok-ly.. Until I started having fever on Monday evening.. 38 point something degree celsius by the time I reached home. This was after I confirmed with my school that I'm going to do a full-time course. I'm quitting my job.
Tuesday morning came with fever subsided, and I went back to work. But, fever relapse an hour after I returned home from work.
Wednesday morning's temperature was nearly 38 degrees celsius, but my body felt ok, so I went to work as normal. Again, fever came back on Wednesday night. And this time it's 39 degree..
I couldn't take it on Thurdays morning, and I took leave from work to rest.. My temperature was more than 39 degree.
I went back to work on Friday, and saw the doctor again. The doctor say that I was so immuned to heat, that I didn't feel it at 38 degree. I took a half day and went back home to rest.
Saturday's temperature was up and down, causing me to miss my 4 division meeting.. By 7.30pm, I was at the highest of 40.3 degree.. I was scared out of my wits. I didn't want to be so heated up that I need to be admited into hospital for drip! I've already missed a lot of gakkai activities. I don't want to miss more.. I must recover!!! If the medication don't work, I'll have to look for my family doctor on Sunday.
Being weak all over, I couldn't even sit up. I kept chanting in my heart that I must not cause anymore trouble to my family, who is now busy moving house.. I took my medicine, and my temperature got better..
Sunday was supposed to be a day for me to do a community project with my FD Students at orchard road. But with me in such a condition, I couldn't do it.. My fever returned when my medicine lost it's effect, and went back to normal after I took it, and came back and subsided, and came back and subsided..
I finally wanted to go the my family doctor on yesterday, but my legs suddenly went jelly, and my stomach funny, and I couldn't bring anything down my throat in the afternoon. I went for a nap, and wake up puking my stomach juice, I think, cos there's nothing in my stomach at all for me to puke. Have to wait for my father to bring me the the doctor instead.
When I reached there, the doctor asked me to take a blood test today at the polyclinic. And I bravely accepted it. I even joked that I might even have cried before entering the room to take the test..
And I went for the test this morning at 10am. Before going, I prayed for my courage, and that the nurse to be gentle. By 11am, it's my turn for the test. I didn't feel the pain. It's all psychological barrier. But after the test, I felt giddy spells on me. I couldn't walk more than 10 steps before feeling that I was going to black out..
I haven't been eating much lately, plus the removal of blood, it's no surpirse that I might faint.
Feeling much better le.. I really hope that I will be able to attend the Kenshu on my birthday with good health and high spirits.
Looking forward to see you..
Love,
MeowZz...
Buddhism is about winning or losing. Being human is also about winning or losing. Let's make every effort to play the leading role in the drama of truth and justice. Those people who are victorious at the end of the day (no matter what might happen along the way) are the ones who really deserve to be called true victors! ~~ Daisaku Ikeda
I went back to work yesterday. We were upgrading our computer systems, and some of us were asked to go back to do testing on the system.
When I was first told of it, it was supposed to be this morning, 8am. Thus I volunteered as the rest of my section cannot make it, and I'm free on a Sunday morning anyway. But, last week, or 2 weeks ago, I was informed that it moved forward to Saturday afternoon 4pm.
We were also told to be on standby, as if the IT people delayed in the downloading of the information, we need to go back instead at either 7pm on Saturday, or 8am this morning. And we'll only be told at 2.30pm the exact timing.
And imagine I have my Cocoon Training on at 2pm at SYC-Pasir Panjang, SNCO practice at 6pm at SCC-Jurong, and members study at 8pm at Bishan.
Anyway, I'll have to skip either my study or my SNCO, and I chose SNCO, cos they were having sectionals, and my section have ours at ZY's place, and I thought even if I go, it'll be no point, cos my pace & theirs is different.
I got the news to proceed back to work at 4pm, to reach by 3.45pm, at 2.30pm. And I immediately went out of my home, and yet, still late.. Less that 2 hours of notice. Luckily I stay quite in the centre of Singapore. Imagine if I were to stay in Woodlands or Jurong, reporting back to work at Changi in less than 2 hours is a bit too much.. I mean, too little..
Anyway, those nominated went back in a picnic mood. Why? Cos everyone brought food, nuts, goreng pisang, etc over, and kept sharing with one another.
I love my company's environment. Should I go?
"Friendship is strong. Some say that one true friend is better than a hundred relatives. But there are friendships within society and friendships based upon Buddhism. Social friendships may appear meaningful but are most likely shallow. Faced with hard times or the lure of personal advantage, people naturally tend to drift apart. Sometimes their friendship even turns into ugly jealousy. Comrades who share the same faith and live for the same cause, however, will protect and encourage each other, even ar the cost of their lives, to achieve their goals."
我讨厌 阴天的风 冷得那么刺痛
只有你 能够抚平所有 的寂寞
昨天的风筝在角落 被谁丢到了路口
我很不想让你 找到离开的理由
每一夜 闭上眼睛 我看到了恶梦
你微笑 但是旁边的人 不是我
天空切开一道裂缝 直接割到我心中
不想装作脆弱 也不想爱得懦弱
其实我非常爱你 不想失去你
难道我没有权利 说我不愿意
你给了他的吻 虽然只有余温
可知道我多渴望抓住你的心
我知道他很爱你 你怕他伤心
我每天假装开心 害怕你离去
可不可以任性 求求你不要去
藏在我心里最后一句 其实还爱你
每一夜 闭上眼睛 我看到了恶梦
你微笑 但是旁边的人 不是我
天空切开一道裂缝 直接割到我心中
不想装作脆弱 也不想爱得懦弱
其实我非常爱你 不想失去你
难道我没有权利 说我不愿意
你给了他的吻 虽然只有余温
可知道我多渴望抓住你的心
我知道他很爱你 你怕他伤心
我每天假装开心 害怕你离去
可不可以任性 求求你不要去
藏在我心里最后一句 其实还爱你
可不可以任性 求求你不要去
藏在我心里最后一句 其实还爱你
Yesterday was a day of learning and realisation.
I went with my friend for her first ultrasound scan early Tuesday morning, as her husband was not in town, and her parents weren't free. Till before then, what I've seen was only ultrasound from TV, but never the real one. Seeing her ultrasound was thus an eye opener for me.
I met her at Novena at 8am, and I left home at 7am, which is about 45 minutes earlier than if I go to work. And luckily, it ended quite early, as the doctor said that if the baby does not cooperate, it might take one whole day to do the scan.
I saw the head and brain. I saw the body. I saw the limbs. It's just about 12 weeks old, and it's not even the size of the womb, and it has the ability to kick around, move the limbs, and turn and "swim' in the womb! So clever! I even asked the doctor if it knows it's own movements. But the doctor say that it won't know.
Next, my friend went for a blood test. This blood test was different from what I had when I was admitted into the hospital when I was in primary school. My test then was a large syringe, and I saw my blood being retrieved, with it's colour turning from red to dark red. My friend's was a small syringe, but I think there were 2 needles, sharing one needle head, thus, the needle was in her for quite sometime, as the doctor need to change the syringe. I remember my hands and feet getting cold during the blood test, and if I were to say there any longer, I'll faint. So useless of me...
I remember asking my friend, if the baby were to have knowledge of what it's doing, what is it thinking now, and how it feels. If we were to revisit our mothers womb and recall our 9 months stay there, will we be bored? Or do we feel very cold in the liquid? Or do we feel very warm and safe in our mother's womb?
I want to have my own child too. It's so amazing! The formation of life is so amazing. Although I've known this from school, but, I really cannot imagine how a sperm and an egg getting together, would cause a life's existence! And the transformation from that egg to a baby is so amazing!!
"Children are precious treasures of the future. All children have the right to happiness. No child is without his or her precious mission. Parents are challenging themselves every day to raise their children, and their work is truly praiseworthy. To them, I offer my utmost support. The twenty-first century must become an era for all parents and children to walk the great path of happiness.
Children are messengers from the suture. We have no choice but to entrust the world to our children. I trust children; I believe in their strength to grow and develop. Every child posses a unique mission. For this reason, I treat children with respect, and I give my all in doing so. If we are insincere with children or try to manipulate them, we will regret it later. So whenever I meet with children, I try to create happy memories for them.
All children are gems, full of precious potential. There is hope in every child since life itself is full of hope. Should the hopes of children be stifled or broken, that would be our responsibility as adults. It pains my heart to see that goes on in today's society. I do not want to see the eyes of children darkened with fear and clouded with tears of sorrow. Society must be absolutely transformed. Children are mirrors that reflect adult society. When adults are ailing and their visions clouded, children will also suffer. Let us wipe away the tears of sorrow from the face of each child! We must protect children and give then courage, strength and vitality. It is parents who nurture children, the hope of humanity. How noble parents are! What a great mission and responsibility they fulfil!"
~ Daisaku Ikeda
Well, it's to perform, and to use my performance to encourage another person.
I'm not thinking of going professional in performing. Although I'm full of envy of my brother who can study music technology, and be in touch with music even in school and in future, in work too, I know that though my mission in performance is to encourage another person, not to go professional and earn a living out of it. I still have my comunication, which I had chosen.
Before performances, I always tell my juniors that, the most important factor in performing in Gakkai, is our mentality. Are we performing to just showcase our talent? Or are we sincerely encouraging another person with our performance? I always thought mine was the latter.
Beside, did we chant enough daimoku together, in itai-doshin, so that our performance will be able to encourage another person's life, and our life condition is so high that any hiccups during the performance are not a problem for us, and all the audience can feel our life condition?
No doubt, in SNCO, we exist for the sake of kosen-rufu. I'm really wanting to encourage another person through SNCO. I can't be really thinking that I can showcase my talent with me on an instrument, whether the clarinet, the violin, the piano, or the guitar. I'm not very trained in all these instruments. But with my spirit in wanting to practise the instruments, plus daimoku, and my mentality of wanting to encourage another person, be it in the audience or within our orchestra, I really believe that I really want to encourage another person.
I was never arrogant about my ability to play so many instruments. In fact, just like what I said in 2 posts before this, I nearly wanted to give the performance for my district a miss, as I feel that I'm not good enough. I'm doubting my Buddhahood.
Looking at Shunzo Ohno, Nestor Torres, and many other SGI-USA Arts division members, I really want to be like them. I want to use music to encourage another person. But my greatest love in performing music, is not through any external instruments, but through an instrument within myself - my voice.
I've not been through any official vocal training before, except for a very short course when I was in TP. Like I've mentioned, I never thought of earning a living through music. Neither through my voice (except in communication la..) Yes, I admit, that when I was young, very young, I wanted to be a performing artiste. Of any kind. But now, I want to perform to encourage another person, and have interaction with my listener, not through a CD or MP3. In fact, I dream of singing in a lounge, where I can really use my voice to touch them personally.
I had my chances. Through Friday Rendezvous performances. I went through 6 sessions in these few years. It is through FR performances that I grew more confident and know how to interact with the audiences. However, I now realise that the more I performed for FR, the more I demand perfection from my co-performers. I always emphasized that yes, our mentality is to encourage another person, but if our performance is is to have a lot of mistakes, and even we feel lousy after our performance, will we be able to encourage another person?
Perhaps I think too much. Perhaps I was too arrogant. Perhaps I was too demanding.. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...
Am I wrong? Even though I kept emphasizing that my mentality is really to sincerely encourage another person, did I slip into the state of Hunger, where I yearn for others' acknowlegement that: " Yes, you really can sing!"?
I do want to take up vocal so much. So much that it exceeds my want to take up violin lesson, although violin lesson is much more important. But.. $$$...
I need to chant for more good fortune...
Finally, I'm free on a Sunday!!!
Anyway, this is after a busy Friday and Saturday, mind you. And it's been so long since I have a weekend to my family.
I had a planning meeting for my district's Soka Women Glorious Victory Day Discussion Meeting on Friday evening. On top of the usual agenda, they wanted a Music Appreciation session!! And guess what, they want me to play violin!! I was like "OMG!! What am I supposed to play?!? And it'll sound so empty if I play alone!!"
With S1's help in brainstorming, I've decided to play 月亮代表我的心. And I've also found a piano accompaniment MP3 which I'll be playing along with, thus making the performance more "full". Wahaha!! がんばって!! :)
And due to me taking leave from work on Monday and Tuesday, I have to 拜托 a colleague to help me track the clearance of my invoices by the user divisions. In order to do so, I must do my reconciliation before she can help me. Thus, I brought back my work, and rushed through it that night. I was so used to using a desk top's keyboard to key the numbers and stuff, that I'm so slow in using my own laptop to do it. Aiyo..
Saturdays are always busy for me. Especially for the 8 weeks. Our Bishan Youth Leader's Cocoon training programme. Fortunately, I'm already halfway through the session. Thus, 4 more weeks to go, and I can go for SNCO practices early to practice my own parts!! Yeah!!
The difference with this week, was that I went for the Cocoon with S2. But through out the journey, she was listening to her MP3, I was reading my HR. In front of us, she still seem to be coping well with everything, trying to joke with us and stuff. But I just couldn't act nonchalant. I couldn't bring myself to joke, while knowing that she's hiding something from us, but yet I couldn't ask her. In front of our folks, it seems instead, like I'm the one with the problem, not her. Perhaps I have a problem too. It's hers that became mine..
I came to realise that life is really not a bed of roses. I had told my friends around 7 years ago, when I just entered TP, that my life is like a bed of roses, without thorns. At that point in time, I didn't have much worries. Or rather, I should say I didn't have any worries at all. Although I wasn't the best student in school then, I didn't have to struggle much to pass my exams. Band practices were an enjoyment for me. Family relation was normal. No BGR problem. No friendship problem. Nothing for me to struggle for.
Perhaps I was too complacent then. I wasn't sincere or sensitive enough. I was too self-centered to realise the problems faced by my folks. All along, their problems were not mine. It was theirs. But it wasn't supposed to be like that. I've learnt about the Oneness of Life and Environment long ago. Why is it now that I realise that my family and I are one?
This is the result of my family being not really close in our relationship. It resulted in us not being about to talk freely about our problems. Am I the cause of it? I had always been the 霸道 one. What can I do to change the situation? Although it seems calm, I can sense some under currents going on, secretly.
This made me go for SNCO practice with a heavy heart. Was I trying to escape from something too?
I'm sorry to end this post like this. It had started off in a celebration mood, but ended off mourning. What am I doing?!?
Checkpoints of self-improvement:
1) Am I studying hard?
2) Am I praying for my parents' happiness?
3) Am I restraining my small, self-centred desires, regarding myself instead as a citizen of the world, and of the Japanese nation?
4) Am I mananimous?
5) Am I careful not to waste time?
6) Am I sincere?"
Happy Deepavali!!
Although today is a public holiday, my day started early, with planning for our FD Musical Jan08 at SYC at 10am (but I was late!!! Ops.. :s), and 2 homevisitations in the afternoon.
Our Musical is based on The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exupery, and I am one of the in-charge for the stage, props, costumes, logistics, etc, that is the background work of the musical. The whole committee (including the show comm and others), had a kick-off meeting only about 2 weeks ago, Today was our 1st preparation meeting, and we just started to brainstorm what we can do.
From views of experts, it is impossible to put up a musical with just 3 months of preparation and rehearsals. But with the power of daimoku, we will definately achieve this unprecedented musical.
From our discussions today, we realise that there are a lot of contraints. First of all, a musical needs music and songs. Our music directors are currently not available to do up the music, and since they need to know the singers' range and how the story flows, they can't do anything now too, with just the first training today. Next, for our backdrop, we need one that covers the whole stage, but if we were to make a digital backdrop and flash it on the projector screen, the space is limited. We might need to do up a physical one on cloth and hang it on the banner pole.
At least, some ideas are up.
Next was homevisitation to A (Sec 3), then WX (Sec 1). Their results were not bad, especially WX, who had failed her E Maths F9 previously, and now scored a B3! Great jump right?
The greatest impression was actually how their parents treat them, especially WX. I could see some part of her similar to me when I was her age. Being the older one, usually we think more. Trying to save more money for our parents by rejecting to buy something we want when it's expensive, not going out when parents are not around and they expect you to be at home, etc. But looking at them, I felt that my parents treated me and my siblings better. At least they didn't want us to work at the age of 13. Although WX didn't work, but her dad actually mentioned to her about having a vacation job!
"True unity cannot be formed only through a particular frame of mind and mental training, When you maintain fervent faithe in the Gohonzon, close unity will naturally develope, with faith as its foundation. This is the primary difference from labour unions and other organisations, whose main concern is economic gain and loss. Their unity is destinied to split because it is based upon gain and loss only, but our unity is not. If our organisation can no longer be united, it means its destruction." Josei Toda, The Human Revolution Vol 2, Chapter 6, The Axle.
I have been feeling bad since Sunday, and exceptionally terrible today - both physically and emotionally.
I have been praying to manifest my own wisdom to realise my own weaknesses thus enabling me to do my human revolution, and praying to be awakened to my mission as a Bodhisattva of the Earth, on top of many other prayers. And slowly, I saw my flaws and am trying to reflect. Perhaps I had enough daimoku to realise my own weaknesses, but the daimoku was not enough for me to sustain a high life condition to handle the reality.
On Saturday, S1 told me something S2 (someone important to me) said and did. I couldn't believe S2 said that. And I didn't know how to handle it. It's either she didn't confide in me, or she couldn't. Now I realise how much influence she has on me. It was slowly that I realise, that I had always been quoting her when I speak to my friends. "S2 said that 'this this this this this this;" or "S2 said that 'that that that that that'"
I never realised how difficult her path is, and how great her obstacles are, obstructing her path for kosen-rufu without her knowing. I always thought that this little S2 of mine has characters of determination and courage. This was what made me more courageous too. Then I realise, that she had always beed putting on a strong front, hiding things from us. I thought I knew her well enough now. But no. I realise that there is a whole episode of her life that I never knew.
Like I've said, her influence on me was so great, that I didn't realise it till now. Not only her, but with other people around me having simlar problem, made me afraid of stepping into similar scenarios, in prevention of the same problems happening to me. But at the same time, I know that ultimately, I want to be in that scenario, but in the meantime, I need to accumulate a lot more good fortune, so that I won't be suffering like them, and that I would be able to handle the problems easily.
With all these influences, the values that I've learned from Ikeda Sensei and Toda Sensei, and my mission as a Bodhisattva of the Earth, I'm getting into a dilemma.
I want to keep Sensei's expectation, of him wanting us to become happy YWDs, but I'm getting a little impatient in the wait. But yet, I know that I've not accumulated enough good fortune yet for the prevention. I still have a lot of flaws for polishing.
Please, will someone tell me what strengths I have which I can keep, and what weaknesses I have to do polishing? I know I've changed. I'm already not who I was a year ago. But, for the better, or the worse?
Checkpoints of self-improvement:
1) Am I studying hard?
2) Am I praying for my parents' happiness?
3) Am I restraining my small, self-centred desires, regarding myself instead as a citizen of the world, and of the Japanese nation?
4) Am I mananimous?
5) Am I careful not to waste time?
6) Am I sincere?"
"Traveler,
From where do you come from?
And where do you go?
The moon has set,
But the Sun has not yet risen.
In the chaos of darkness before the dawn
Seeking the light,
I advance
To dispel the dark clouds from my mind
To find a great tree unbowed by the tempest
I emerge from the earth"
The above is the poem recited by the young Daisaku Ikeda Sensei (aged 19 then) to Josei Toda Sensei (47) when they first met at a discussion meeting with Toda Sensei as the lecturer.
The appearance of Ikeda Sensei caused Toda Sensei to recall the time when he first met his mentor Tsunesaburo Makiguchi Sensei. He was then 19 too, and his mentor 48.
Even before meeting his mentor, Toda Sensei had been a very sincere young man, and in a diary entry, he wrote:
"Checkpoints of self-improvement:
1) Am I studying hard?
2) Am I praying for my parents' happiness?
3) Am I restraining my small, self-centred desires, regarding myself instead as a citizen of the world, and of the Japanese nation?
4) Am I mananimous?
5) Am I careful not to waste time?
6) Am I sincere?"
I should ask myself the same questions too...
This was my first KTV session with the guys. Due to them not knowing how to sing the new songs, we have to accompany them in singing oldies, like 新鸳鸯蝴蝶梦，无言的结局，潇洒走一回，and more!!
I enjoyed myself though I left earlier at 12 midnight, while they stayed till 3am..
But I do think to myself: Did the KTV session help me in anyway? Yes. During that few hours in the KTV room. What about after that? I'm back to face the reality of having to finish some unfinished work, and worry about not having enough time to do my stuff..
I do enjoy KTV sessions, no doubt, because that is the only one place I can sing loudly into a microphone, except for during Friday Rendezvous' performances. I don't know where else I can use my voice to touch other people's life. Is it at music cafes? I know I can sing, but I just do not have that confidence that the industry can accept my voice..
Just some after thoughts...
