又老一岁了！但我连我12岁的生日愿望都还没实现。一拖，就拖了13年。。哈哈！没关系！
放假了，却好像没放假似的。忙！连生日那天也会忙一整天。星期天也会从早上8点忙到晚上10点！
我就只好早一点睡。也就是不能待在互联网里太久。也就是我没时间写太多。只好又上载音乐咯！
今天的主题是：生日。
从广播听到一首动听的歌，想与你们分享。你可以试着去找 Micheal Buble 或 Amy Grant 的version：
Do you remember me I sat upon your knee I wrote to you With childhood fantasies Well, I'm all grown up now And still need help somehow I'm not a child But my heart still can dream So here's my lifelong wish My grown up Christmas list Not for myself But for a world in need No more lives torn apart That wars would never start And time would heal all hearts And everyone would have a friend And right would always win And love would never end This is my grown up Christmas list As children we believed The grandest sight to see Was something lovely Wrapped beneath our tree But heaven only knows That packages and bows Can never heal A hurting human soul No more lives torn apart That wars would never start And time would heal all hearts And everyone would have a friend And right would always win And love would never end This is my grown up Christmas list What is this illusion called the innocence of youth Maybe only in our blind belief can we ever find the truth No more lives torn apart That wars would never start And time would heal all hearts And everyone would have a friend And right would always win And love would never end This is my grown up Christmas list This is my grown up Christmas list
已经几个星期没Blog了。考试也考完了，功课也交完了，presentations也过了。今天是我这3个星期假期的第一天，但事情还是忙不完。也好。好过无所事事。没设么想说的，所以我只有post音乐了。
满园玫瑰 我以爲 找到我那一朵
认真爱了 却狠狠 刺伤我的双手
责备什麽人也没有用
玫瑰都红 难免看错
望着天空 爱是风 活在童话里头
小王子说 有些事 流浪过才会懂
原来每颗心都有个洞
找不到真爱 会一直寂寞
我但愿有一个人 在等我
在属於我的61 2星球
好让我 忍着痛 也愿意 往下走
不快乐至少 要有梦
一定会有一个人 在等我
我还在寻找 一个依靠 和一个拥抱 谁替我祈祷 替我烦恼 为我生气为我闹
无条件拥抱着我 的所有
想遇见 我还要 翻越多 少山丘
花别谢太快 请你等等我
然后孤单被吞没了 无聊变得有话聊 有变化了
小酒窝长睫毛 是你最美的记号
我每天睡不着 想念你的微笑
你不知道 你对我多么重要
有了你生命完整的刚好
小酒窝长睫毛 迷人的无可救药
我放慢了步调 感觉像是喝醉了
终于找到 心有灵犀的美好
一辈子暖暖的好 我永远爱你到老
一个人 眺望碧海和蓝天
在心里面 那抹灰就淡一些
海豚从眼前飞越 我看见了最阳光的笑脸
好时光都该被宝贝 因为有限
我学着 不去担心得太远
不计划太多反而 能勇敢冒险
丰富地过每一天 快乐地看每一天 Wooh～
第一次遇见阴天 遮住你侧脸
有什么故事好想了解
我感觉我懂你的特别
你的心有一道墙 但我发现一扇窗
偶尔透出 一丝暖暖的微光
就算你有一道墙 我的爱会攀上窗台盛放
打开窗你会看到 悲伤融化
你会闻到幸福晴朗 的芬芳
有时候太坚强 笑容却填不满眼眶
越是想要隐藏 歌声就唱的更响亮
直到入到心底最深处 OH~
你不要追问我 还缺了些什麽
每个人都有梦 幸福总站在最远方
心中越是渴望 越是不敢伸手拥抱
谁的心是我最後一站 OH~
我强问我自己 现在还没有个答案
我不是你想像 那麽勇敢
多想让你保护 能流泪一场
让我放下武装 像个孩子一样
单纯的把爱情 放在你心上
我不是你想像 总是扮演坚强
多想让你知道 我也要个伴
放下讨厌武装 像个孩子一样
单纯的把爱情 放在你心上
我不是你想像的 那麽勇敢
过去的不会重来，失去的不会回来。所以要珍惜眼前的人与事物。
在昨天的早上勤行，听到了以下池田先生的指导：
‘牧口先生说：“人必须经常前进，必须抱持目标向前进。当然，因为是人，所以也会有失败或错误。这时候，只要反省即可，不反省则不可能有前进。但是，反省和后悔是很不同的，很多人把此混为一谈。单是后悔则无补于事，反省后须向前迈进。”这指导意义深远。’
对，我在后悔。后悔为什么当初没对我这位朋友好一点。现在，我不知道我能为他做些什么。我只会在和我家人一起吃饭时，担心是否有人和他一起用餐，有没有人为他做温暖牌家庭餐。睡觉前，我会担心他一个人会不会在睡前想着他母亲而难过，一个人是否能把自己的起居饮食照顾好，为自己洗衣、煮饭、扫地、抹地，辛苦吗。起床时，我会想到是否有人把他叫醒，上班会不会迟到，早餐有没有人为他准备。但，我只会这样自己担心，什么都不能为他做，除了为他唱题。。
遗憾到无助到 难受到残酷到
到早上很怕张 开眼睛
连望见墙上扑 灰一片都想到
那张脸便逃命 和怨命
这麽感性 难怪无法撇清
已逝去感情 早已没生命
这种反应 完全是任性
告别唯有当擦亮眼睛
多少失恋者 仍然健在
证实要放弃过去至 找到未来
曾被爱同样有 权分开
拒绝悔改 会死於爱海
一生本应该 活在现在
挂念会美化了错爱 永远受害
愁在理论像哲 学精彩
说易行难 无可奈
谁没有盲目过 然後再麻木过
要恭贺得到比 失去多
沉淀过明白过 只不过花开过
最想念仍然是 无花果
话虽不错 人有时爱痛楚
太自觉可怜 偏却没帮助
大千色相 谁人凭甚麽
会令谁永世困在最初
如可这麽理智的话
那段爱可能是假
就与他哭到快乐吧
也许开心过总有代价 ha~~
多少失恋者 仍然健在
证实要放弃过去至 找到未来
曾被爱同样有 权分开
拒绝悔改 会给感性所害
一生本应该 活在现在
谁每日能开心喝采 最可惜理论如何精彩
那寂寞如何忍耐
我是个“你若有福不与我分享，我不会怪你。但你若有难要我帮忙，我一定在我能力范围内帮你”的女生。
我也是一个“有福到我面前也未必发现，但有难也不想增加朋友负担”的人。
我也不是一个很会安慰人的人。我只懂得默默的陪着朋友，希望朋友的心灵创伤能减到最低。若朋友周围以有很多人在安尉、在帮忙，我就会默默地站在远处、默默地观察着朋友的心情。因为我认为尤其在失落时，越多人安慰反而会造成对朋友的一种压力。虽然很想说些安慰的话，但我又不会安慰人、又怕若我加上一句会更加重朋友的压力、负担，就只好什么都不说，默默的陪着朋友就好。
认识一位朋友好几年了。曾经无话不谈的朋友。因他母亲的过世，才发现原来他有那么多的事，是我不知道的。他已经不是唯一一位我以为很熟，但却有很多事我不知道，的朋友了。我是多么的不细心啊！提起来也为我自己难过。
也许因为太过保护自己了，所以总会不让自己受到一点伤害。也许也是因为这样，所以对朋友的关心只敢留在心里，不敢说出来。
有东西哽在心里面的感觉真不好受。。
一样的月光 照在我们掌心
何时小叮噹 改名哆啦A梦
春风少年兄 唱着浪人情歌
红红青春敲呀敲 变成men's talk
美丽花蝴蝶 飞出青苹果乐园
飞向未来风真透 还有爱相随
朋友你最近好么 今晚出来走走 新歌会了哪几首
KTV里唱着 当时我们拿手 林强张宇张学友
朋友最近好么 啤酒再来一手 谁会在乎谁出糗
唱破我们歌喉 唱完一起拍手 天王天后也点头
谁说过其实 你不懂我的心
谁约定不会 忘了你忘了我
无情的情书 太傻执迷不悔
转眼恋爱症候群 换新恋情
说好天空不要 为我们掉眼泪
认错之后向前行 未来不是梦
朋友你最近好么 今晚出来走走 新歌会了哪几首
KTV里唱着 当时我们拿手 林强张宇张学友
朋友最近好么 啤酒再来一手 谁会在乎谁出糗
唱破我们歌喉 唱完一起拍手 天王天后也点头
朋友你最近好么 今晚出来走走 新歌会了哪几首
KTV里唱着 当时我们拿手 林强张宇张学友
朋友最近好么 啤酒再来一手 谁会在乎谁出糗
唱破我们歌喉 唱完一起拍手 天王天后也点头
唱到时光倒流 那年我们十九 梦在心里加满油
啦。。。啦。。。
朋友你最近好么 今晚出来走走 新歌会了哪几首
KTV里唱着 当时我们拿手 林强张宇张学友
朋友最近好么 啤酒再来一手 谁会在乎谁出糗
唱破我们歌喉 唱完一起拍手 天王天后也点头
Anger in my heart..
Tireness in my body..
Tireness in my eyes..
Awake in my mind..
Nowhere to vent!!
I'm very tired.... It's only 7pm now, and my eyes have been blurred out of tireness since 5pm... Last night, I went to sleep only at 2am, with myself jolly well knowing that I'd need to wake up by 7am this morning.. Though I was so tired and my eyes were blurred out too last night, I couldn't get into sleep straight cos I was tooo tired!! All because of the tupid assignment due TML!!
And it's not finished yet!! And I need to wait.... I doubt I can sleep early tonight.. And I need to wake up super early tml too!! And I need to run around tml, and my body's weak now, and I've got another assignment meet up tml, and I've got vocal lesson tml.. Will I have the strength to sing tml?
"The important thing is to take that first step. Bravely overcoming one small fear gives you the courage to take on the next." ~ Daisaku Ikeda
"Those who at first may be completely overwhelmed by their environment or constantly defeated by their weaknesses but who then undergo dramatic personal transformation as a result of solid Buddhist practice can be wonderful inspirations for others. The most intense suffering, unbearable agony and seemingly insurmountable deadlock are actually brilliant opportunities for doing our human revolution." ~ Daisaku Ikeda
"There may be times when life seems gloomy and dull. When we feel stuck in some situation or another, when we are negative toward everything, when we feel lost and bewildered, not sure which way to turn. At such times we must transform our passive mind-sets and determine, 'I will proceed along this path,' 'I will pursue my mission today.' When we do so, a genuine springtime arrives in our hearts and flowers start to blossom." ~ Daisaku Ikeda
"T'ient'ai (538-597) states in Great Concen-tration and Insight: 'As practice progresses and understanding grows, the three obstacles and four devils emerge in confusing form, vying with one another to interfere.... One should be neither influenced nor fright-ened by them. If one falls under their influence, one will be led into the paths of evil. If one is frightened by them, one will be prevented from practicing the correct teaching.'" ~ http://www.sgilibrary.org
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Above are a few passages that relate my Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. And last night, I realise that it was an attack of the sansho shima. Within that 3 days, I saw the mutual possession of the 10 worlds (especially the lower 6 worlds)fluctuating within my life for countless times..
To begin with, I was never a very confident person. When people accidentally got to know of my ability to play instruments and sing, I won't try to outshine or anything. I don't like to brag about my ability, cos I dun feel that having this ability makes me more superior to others or wad. So people will start telling me, "Why so shy? This shows you very talented wad.." Talented... Am I?
Anyway, I went back for my 1st SNCO practice after a month on Sunday. Seeing the scores for 22nd Nov's performance for the first time, the SSO player whom we were supposed to play with was already playing with us. My sight reading is realllly very bad, and I got stucked a lot of times. My eyes were following the scores, but my brain didn't send signals to my fingers to play the notes... In addition, both the "heads" of the orchestra weren't there, and as an IC for SNCO, I wasn't briefed on anything at all... My life state fell into anger, partially with its literal meaning. Prior to knowing their absence and the attendance of the SSO player, I was in that kind of fighting spirit for SNCO. Was it due to sansho shima attack that I fell into the state of anger? Was it due to arrogance that I fell into the state of anger?
After practice, my aunt called me for a belated birthday celebration for my cousin, cum my super early birthday celebration. I thought, at the point of teleconversations, that finally I would be able to not bicker with her during a meet up. But no.. During the dinner, I fell into state of anger again. No, I did not yell or shout or do wadever that express my anger in that way. I'm not sure if it's my problem or her problem, cos everyone knows her character. When she says something, others will feel that we can't rebute, cos no matter right or wrong, she'll say that she's right.. I don't like it.. It's really arrogant. I'm arrogant too, so I always talks back and say what she says is wrong.
Just as Sensei's encouragement, when the person who creates the problem don't find it as a problem, yet I feel that it's a problem, then it's my karma and mission, not his/hers. True, cos if that person don't even know that he/she is the one creating the problem, how would he/she change? But knowing this is very difficult. I can't be telling him/her straight to the face and say "Hey! Look what you've done to me!" He/she might not understand, and I'll be too direct and might hurt the relationship. Haiz..
My Sunday's life state went from Realisation (of my mission in SNCO), to Anger, to Humanity, to Anger again..
Monday came, with me wakening up and realising my anger, for the mess SNCO is in, was gone. I'm back to the life state of humanity. I really feel that there is an advantage for me being born as myself: I forgets easily. This is a weakness too though, cos it'll mean that I'd not do anything about the problem, as the problem still exist, but it's just that it is in the state of latency, and I chose to put it behind my mind..
Next came my project meeting with my group of 7 people. There's always been a problem in this group, as there are a lot of differences which both parties, with me being a friend of one party, and a neutral party to the whole situation, I try to calm things down (which I hope they feel that I'm doing), and yet I'm stuck in between the two parties. Just like in my above paragraph, "if that person don't even know that he/she is the one creating the problem, how would he/she change?" And the problem is that each party feels that the problems lies with the other party.. So, there won't be any problems if each party dun find the other a problem.. HaiZ..
Evening came my lesson with EchoMusic. I'm arrogant, I think. Not in the sense that I'm bragging my singing capability, but my inability to input feelings into the songs. I'm never someone who shows my emotional weakness. I think I'm too arrogant to allow any hint of weakness in my emotions, and this makes me unable to sing properly. I've started lessons in Echo to improve my vocals and confidence, with the aim to encourage and motivate my audience with my voice. However, I do better on sad songs with my 哭腔. Sad songs make me sad. I'll cry over sad songs for no reasons, even when most of the situations depicted in the sad songs doesn't apply to me. But during lesson, and everytime when there are people I know around me, I'll force my tears into my stomach, and pretend (badly) that I'm ok.
EchoMusic's lesson is the trigger to the sansho shima I met on Tuesday.
Tuesday morning saw my life state plunged into Hell.. For the whole day, I was yearning and craving for the daimoku that I couldn't chant out loud, at work, in school, on bus.... With myself keep thinking about how bad I did in the vocal lesson, it led to me doubting if I could really motivate anyone with my voice, doubting if I could ever balance my FD and SNCO, and doubting if I have to ability to move the orchestra together, doubting if I'll ever find my happiness, doubting if I really have a Buddha's potential, overwhelmed by the many responsibilities I have to take up. I was crying whenever I was alone. And was forcing my tears back when anyone was around. I kept telling myself to get rid of all these negative thoughts, and tried to get some distractions but couldn't find, and the negative thoughts just wouldn't burge..
"I need some distractions!"
I reached school with 2 of my friends finding me a bit strange. Out of the ordinary cheerful me. I'm grateful to them for realising it. I really need some distraction.. As the lesson went on, I engaged myself in the project's discussion and realised at the end of the lesson, that I've pulled myself out of the negative thoughts. The 2 friends also realised that my old cheerful self was back halfway already.
By the time I reached home, I was already very hungry with the whole day of emotions. I've reminded my mom to cook earlier as I've gotta go out early, but my mom forgot. My life state fell into anger again. This time, literally. I know I shouldn't shout or scream or wad since it'll be no use to the situation, and it'll make my mom even for apologetic. Since I'm at home then, and I have the Gohonzon, I used the time of waiting and feeling angry to chant, while calming myself down.
I chose to pack the dinner instead of finishing it at home, but I punished myself, and my mom (although she doesn't know), by making the situation unable for me to eat the dinner at the earliest time. I can't eat in bus, and I can't eat at the place I was going to as the owner is very particular about cleanliness. I ended up finishing the dinner only at near 11pm outside my flat, and it caused me a semi-diarrhea.
Today, I woke up in the life state of humanity, and it is still in humanity now..
Finished a 2D1N Kenshu, and in the midst of it, we went to T3! It's the 1st time I was there and we were running around for 1 hour for a game... (Click on the picture to see more...)
The main thing I realised was that I actually know of some serious problems I'm facing, but it's always hidden in my sub-conscious mind. It's just that I've done nothing to remind myself to think of a solution to the problem, nor did anything to try to improve the situation. I had always been 'waiting for someone to start' then I'll follow. I guess I never dared venture out of my comfort zone, cos I know I'll meet a lot of difficulties in order to revamp the whole situation, and I'm not sure if it's my mission to revamp it or not…
FD also gave me till Dec to think about what I want to do with SNCO and FD. Do I think I'll have to ability to put my 100% in both, as well as in yonsha? I never took the lead to try to do anything more... I knew that... I need lots of wisdom and daimoku… But at the same time, I'm not sure if I have enough of that 'standing alone' spirit… I'm hoping for a comrade who can fight this battle with me… But who will? Who can?
Having said that, I have another battle to fight at home too… But till now, I had only been 'talking', while the 'doing' had been minimal… Must start now! If not, when? When it's too late?
Anyway, I've did a "break through"… I actually attended a Halloween Party at a pub... Le Baroque at Chimes… I didn't take alcohol though… And that is the purpose of my devil's horn and devil's fork… (Click on the picture to see more...)
Off to Kenshu! Here I come!
Hope I can learn as much as possible..
Jia You!
